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Being Tommy Dawkins

Tommy narrating:  A lot of weird things happen to me but nothing's ever been stranger than what went down between me, Merton and Bucky Offendahl. (Offend all. get it?)

A bald buff guy walks down the hall all chained up. Everyone runs away. Enter Merton.

Merton:  bu bu bu bucky offendahl is here???!!! (runs away screaming) Tommy!!! hide me hide me!! (to Tommy, while trembling)  bucky's back!

Tommy: Bucky's here?

Kid: bucky can I have your ....

(bucky shoves him aside)

Merton:  I'm dead!! Bucky's wanted to waste me ever since I testified against him in the O'Reilly seven incident.

Tommy: the O'Reilly seven incident?

Merton:  Bucky inflicted swirllies on the entire clan of O'Reilly.  Including the triplets.  His last words to me before they hauled him off to juvie were "your dead meat pale face" 

Tommy: relax ok? I bet he doesn't even remember you.

Merton: (relaxed sigh, then he sees bucky turn around and he's got a picture of Merton in a circle with a slash like the no smoking signs tattooed on his neck)  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (then runs off, comes back) Tommy, if I don't see you again make sure that they bury me in a clean frock.  Either in silk or a lightweight wool. (runs off and goes into a janitor's closet. Inside, he sees a glow from behind a pile of of books)

Merton:  woa!! (talking to himself) Go to the light Merton!! (then he got sucked into the little door) woa!!!!!!! (he sees a little TV screen with an image of someone walking in the hall, the room is white, and itís got some car and baywatch posters and also a workout corner) there's a hidden surveillance in the school?  wa? that's Tommy! Huhn? naa!!

Tommy:  (looking at himself in the mirror while thinking thinking, but Merton can hear him)  Delts are coming in really good.

Merton:  sweet merciful god!! I'm in Tommy's head!!


Theme Song


Tommy: (narrating)  never really minded being the guy they go to when the game's on the line. it's actually kinda cool.  When the pressure's on everybody knows that they can always count on one person, Tommy Dawkins.

Teacher:  Tommy Dawkins ??

Tommy: uh?

Teacher: Tommy, I asked if you can tell me which policy was adopted by the united states in 1823 to limit European influence in the western hemisphere.

Tommy: (thinking) oh.. I don't know this! (Talking)   um uh...

Merton:  the Monroe doctrine Tommy!! the Monroe docterine!!

Tommy:  The um.. Monroe.. doctrine?

Teacher:  Correct Mr.  Dawkins!!!  nice work!

Tommy:  Thank you!

(bell rings)

Merton:  I knew it was the Monroe docaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (being sucked out of Tommyís head.  lands in the janitor's closet runs out to Tommy)

Tommy:  Hey Merton What's up?

Merton: oh not much, oh unless you count this, I discovered a portal to your head!!! Yea! it was exactly like Spike Jonesís  critically acclaimed although financially disappointed movie "Being John Malcovitch"

Tommy:  What happened?

Merton:  Well,  in my opinion it was too ďthinkyĒ for Middle America to embrace.

Tommy:  in the movie Merton!! What happened in the movie?

Merton: oh right!  Well John Cusack played the part of the puppeteer who discovered a portal to John Malcovitch's head, that let him experience life through Malkavitch's eyes and ears.

Tommy:  Yea.... right... you were inside my head.... I'll catch you at lunch.

Merton: uhhhh  the Monroe Doctrine Tommy!!

Tommy:  What did you say?

Merton: the Monroe doctrine!  ring a bell?

Tommy: but, but how???

Merton:  well it's obviously some sort of para-dimentional... uh metabalical sorta..uh ZEE!! kinda...  NO idea! but it's sooooooooooo cool.

(sees Bucky an hides in a locker)

Bucky: heyy

Tommy: hey bucky... how ya doing. wow lookin' ...... buff!

Bucky: yea two years pumpin' iron in the yard with nothing but payback on my mind will do that to you. so um.. how's the family?

Tommy: uh.. good thanx. yours?

Bucky:  mother has gout. but she copes, she copes.

Tommy:  good...

Bucky: hey if you see pale face will you deliver a message for me?

Tommy:  look Bucky, why don't you let it go, huhn?

Bucky: look just tell him to have a surgeon ready. Cause heís not getting outta this school in one piece.

Tommy:  ok...

Bucky: take care of yourself ok man?

Tommy: ok uhh you too. see you later bucky!

Merton: comes out of the punched locker.

Tommy: he said....

Merton: yea I heard.

Tommy:  (Narrating)  so Merton says that he got into my head. ha.. but I don't know. it's kinda hard to swallow.

Merton: (in Tommy's head)  Start swallowing Tommy, I'm back!

Lori: Hey Tommy! nice save on the Monroe doctrine!

Tommy: oh thank you! I guess you never know what you have in store up here huhn?

Lori:  (taking a strip of pictures out of Tommy's locker) hey! I remember these pictures! we took these right after we mixed it up with Merton's imaginary friend. Remember how close we were?

Tommy:  Yea, that was one tiny photo booth.

Lori:  no. Tommy I mean close as a couple.

Merton: (in Tommy's head)  Tommy, tell her you were joking!

Tommy:  I know Lori! I was joking.

Lori: hey, can I have half of this picture?

Merton: (in Tommy's head) Tommy give her half.

Tommy: um.. sure, why don't you take it all?  mean why ruin something so perfect.

(Merton who's got that Sure that'll work too look)

Lori:  That's so sweet! thanks.  You know, you kinda have been acting a little different lately. 

Merton: (in Tommy's head) say this: well Lori, I've undergone personal growth since our tulmorous breakup.

Tommy:  I don't know, I guess I've just grown up a little since our break up that's all.

Merton:  sorta the poormanís version. But the point got through.

Lori: (to Tommy)  do you wanna get together tonight?

Tommy:  Sure! sorta like a studying date?

Lori: um yea or.. what ever!

Merton:  What?!!!

Lori: ok

Tommy: Cool

Merton:  Do you hear that? my  insights into the female psyci got you a date!

Tommy:  (thinking to Merton) Come on man, it was me who got the date alright? She misses me.  I got the date so why don't you just quit creeping me out and get outta my head!

Merton:  Tommy! don't worry! With me in your head, you have nothing to worry about!  (Merton bounces on the sofa, and falls down)

Tommy falls to the ground in vain.


Merton:  but Tommy, I have no control over...weeeeeeeeeeee (as he gets sucked out)

Merton gets out of the closet, and runs into bucky

Merton:  ahhh..... (in an Australian accent) Good day mate! O boy have we met?

Bucky:  Zip it pale face!

Merton:  woaa. We're on school property. if you hurt me here you'll be expelled again, and sent back to Juvie!

Bucky:  Good pointÖ but as soon as you step outside the school, your dead meat.

Merton:  ah....

Bucky leaves, enters Tommy

Tommy: Merton! Stay outta my head. Whatever you did in there really hurt! SO no more got it?

Merton:  No more... got it!

Tommy: good... (turns to leave)

Merton:  hey where're you going? I need protection from Bucky!

Tommy: sorry Merton got my date with Lori!

Merton:  Don't you mean OUR date?

Tommy: No I mean my date. now, stay OUT.

Merton:  Great! I can't leave school grounds! What am I gonna do? set up a hobo town in the cafeteria?


Nighttime, Merton is in the cafeteria playing a harmonica. behind him there's a hobo tent and a pot of beans, and marshmallows.


Tommy: (Narrating) do you ever have one of those dates, where everything goes just right? no matter what you say, it comes out perfect? well this wasnít one of those!

(TO Lori) do you want another soda? free refills....

Lori: (who's very bored) No I'm good...

(awkward silence)

Tommy:  (thinking)  Oh man! I'm dieing here!!


Merton in the Cafeteria

Merton: (playing with a marshmallow)  Look! it is the handsome spiky-haired one who took our brothers!! He returns to consume us!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh (and eats it)

Back to Tommy's date 

Tommy: (thinking) maybe Merton was right, maybe I did need help with Lori.

Merton:  (in Tommy's head) I knew I heard you calling!

Tommy: (thinking to Merton)  Merton!!! I told you to stay out!!

Merton:  I know what you're thinking Tommy!  but don't worry about cranial trauma. I took measures to ensure your safety! (camera zooms out and Merton's covered with marshmallows)

Lori:  um... Tommy thanks for tonight... but I really need to get going.

Merton:  Ask her to go for a walk!

Tommy: Lori! you canít go yet! I mean let's go for a walk.

Lori: OK

Merton:  Ok Tommy, the stuff about personal growth was GOLD!! Now we go in for the kill! 

Tommy: Should I Flex my

Merton:  no Tommy!! Tell her that your newfound sense of balance and harmony comes from a real realization that your lycanthrope is like a metaphor for adolescence.

Tommy: I guess Iím just a little more comfortable because I finally realized that me becoming a werewolf is like what other teens have to go through. Well just a little more intense.

Lori: Tommy, What's gotten in to you lately?

Merton:  5 feet 7 inches of Goth stud!!!!

Tommy: What do you mean?

Lori:  you sound like Merton.

Tommy: I'm sorry, am I being annoying right now?

(a shot of Merton going what?!!!)

Lori:  No! just really insightful

Merton:  ha!! I told you !!!

Lori: ( puts her arms around Tommy) Hey you've been working on your delts?

Tommy: (thinks to Merton)  Ha I told YOU!

(Lori kisses Tommy, he wolfs out)

Lori: sorry I wolfed you out.

(they smile)

Merton:  woa Tommy look back that way!  it's bucky!

Tommy: (thinks to Merton) forget it Merton! Lori and I are clicking again!

Merton:  No!! YOU gotta scare him off!!

(Merton sees a controller in Tommy's mind, he takes it and plays with it)

Merton:  Woa!!

Lori: woa what?

Merton:  (talks but the word come out of Tommy's mouth)  Tommy can you hear me?

Lori: Tommy can you hear.... what's that mean?

Merton:  woa I must have full control of Tommy's body!! woa!!! I'm in control of a werewolf!!????  time to take this baby for a spin!!!

Merton: (as Tommy) I'll be back in a flash!! hee hee

Bucky: ahh a werewolf!!!

Merton: (as Tommy)  Get back here!! Stop terorizing Merton Dingle!!

Bucky: ok ok ok

Merton: (as Tommy) GO apologize to him at school. and use his middle initial, J.

Bucky: ok ok

Merton: (as Tommy) now drop and give me 25 pushups first!  While you're at it, bring him a well-chilled bottle of Yoohoo!! ragamuffin!!  Get outta here!!!

(Merton as Tommy, does the victory dance!! After, Merton gets sucked out!!)

Merton: I scared Bucky Offendahl!  I scared Bucky Offendahl!  (TO himself) sorry I had to take control of your body Tommy, but... I kicked Bucky's butt!!! woohoo!!!

(Bucky, was around the corner. He heard it all)

Merton:  (taking down his Hobo town and talking to a stuffed owl) Wow it was amazing! I never knew I was so agile. I wish you were there! I felt alive for the first..... (Merton turns around and sees a person, it was "Tommy") ahh!!  Tommy! you scared me I thought you were Bucky!!

Bucky as Tommy: I AM Bucky. Pale face!!

Merton:  AAAAHHH

"Bucky" attacks Merton.

Lori: Tommy! What are you doing??

Bucky as Tommy:  Settling an old score.

Merton:  Lori! that's not Tommy!! We have to hide!

(Merton Drags Lori into the Janitor's closet)

I'm not sure if this is the best place.... It's Bucky Offendahl. he found his was into Tommy's body. We gotta hide till he gets sucked out. ("Bucky" punches through the door) Go in that little door! (They get sucked in)

Lori: Where are we?

Merton:  oh.. Nowhere special, just inside Tommy's head!!

Bucky: Oh hiya pale face! You ready for the pain?

Merton:  Lori, have to met my arch nemesis Bucky Offendahl?

Lori: I'm so confused..

Merton:  you should be. No matter what you do, just don't hit the floor of wall. It'll hurt Tommy.

Bucky: Oh NO NO NO!!! (and body slams the ground)

Tommy:  Ouch! Merton!

Merton:  My bad Tommy!

Lori: wait a minute! if this is Tommy's head? and he's controlling Tommy, then was that you inside Tommy's head in the park?

Merton:  Yea!! wasn't that cool? I mean....yes and that was wrong.

Bucky:  Less Yakking? more Smacking?

Merton:  (goes for the controller and gets it, but Bucky trips him)

(Fight, Fight, Fight, etc...)

Tommy: What's going on in there? It's killing me!

Merton:  Bucky's inside your head. You've got to get in here! Go through the Janitor's closet!

Bucky: Guess I'll be fighting 2 girls now.

Tommy drops in, bounces on the sofa

Tommy: (looking around) Oh.. nice.

(Fight, Fight, Fight, Fight, Fight, Fight, etc... )Bucky: (with a arm weight thing....) hey pale face. wanna hold this for me?

Merton:  um no... (Bucky throws it at him)

Fight, fight....

Tommy: sorry Bucky, it's time to clear my head.

(Fight, Fight, Fight, Fight, Fight, Fight, etc... then Tommy throws Bucky onto the couch and Bucky gets suck up.)

Lori: I can't believe you guys tricked me like that! (To Merton) it was you with the adolescence metaphor.

Merton:  It was quiet INSIGHTFUL, wasn't it? (Lori doesnít respond) Not really the point I guess.

Lori: you two are the best guys I've ever met. All together, you're the perfect guy. But if you ever do this to me again, I swear I'll.... (Lori gets suck up)

Merton: so close....

Tommy:  Lori was right Merton.

Merton: I Agree.. Let's never do this again. After we put this to use on the Chicks at the factory. YAHOO!! ( gets sucked up)

Tommy:  It's kinda nice in here... (then gets sucked up)


Tommy: (narrating) in the end, Bucky's bullying got his sent back to the Juvie. And my head? Merton went back one more time to tidy up.

Tommy: (talking) Ouch! Merton!  no vacuums!

Merton:  My bad Tommy!

Tommy: (narrating) and after everything's all tidy, I made him seal the portal.

Lori: hey have to seen Merton. I need to ask him what #8 was on the test.

Tommy: it was boston tea party lori. It was an easy one.

Lori: Is that you in there Merton? (Smiles)

Merton:  (Comes out of the janitorís closet after closing the portal)